Tag Archive for 'humor'

getting into heaven

Published on February 12, 2010 in liturgy. 8 Comments Tags: humor, humour.

A man dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates.

St. Peter says, “Here’s how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you’ve done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in.”

“Okay” the man says, “I attended church every Sunday”

“That’s good, says St. Peter, ” that’s worth two points”

“Two points?” he says. “Well, I gave 10% of all my earnings to the church”

“Well, let’s see,” answers Peter, “that’s worth another 2 points. Did you do anything else?”

“Two points? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans.”

“Fantastic, that’s certainly worth a point, ” he says.

“hmmm…,” the man says, “I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart.”

“That’s wonderful,” says St. Peter, “that’s worth three points!”

“THREE POINTS!!” the man cries, “At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God!”

“Come on in!”

atheist cats

Published on February 4, 2010 in liturgy. 6 Comments Tags: atheists, humor, humour.

The Dog Illusion

atheist_cat_demote_by_marsmar

Lolcats are an internet meme. The antitheist Richard Dawkins introduced the word “meme” in The Selfish Gene (1976) from the Greek μιμητισμός (something imitated). I hope you’ve seen the Dog-God video. See also “do dogs go to heaven?”.

funny-pictures-cat-greets-dog-at-door

Any other (humorous) images, thoughts, or video clips about cats (dogs) spirituality etc. – add them or just give the URL in the comments below.

be part of love – “Up in the Air”

Published on January 29, 2010 in liturgy. 3 Comments Tags: divorce, film, humor, lectio, Lent, liturgy, marriage, movie, sacrament.

Up in the Air 2009 movie – some thoughts

UpInTheAir_poster Central to this film (spoilers warning) is a scene with Jim Miller (Danny McBride) in a Sunday school classroom reading the classic The Velveteen Rabbit. The story of The Velveteen Rabbit is a story of a toy rabbit who becomes real by being loved – loved so much that his fur is rubbed off in the process.

In the scene I mention, Jim explains his thoughts about what his life is going to be like: house, children, jobs, losing his hair, and then dying. He wonders what the point of life is. IMO it is a key moment in the movie.

The film focuses on Ryan Bingham (George Clooney) who lives out of a suitcase, employed to travel around the country firing people. We see the reaction of people being “let go”. With a few exceptions of well-known actors, the scenes of people’s reactions are not with actors, but the reaction of actual people recently laid off. (And here’s an important movie-going rule: always stay through the credits. In one case a thriller’s conclusion changed completely after the credits. Often there is a humorous bit, or the hint of a sequel. This time there is a significant song).

Ryan Bingham is a commitment-phobe:

Ryan: How much does your life weigh? Imagine for a second that you’re carrying a backpack. … I want you to fill it with people. Start with casual acquaintances, friends of friends, folks around the office… and then you move into the people you trust with your most intimate secrets. Your brothers, your sisters, your children, your parents and finally your husband, your wife, your boyfriend, your girlfriend. You get them into that backpack, feel the weight of that bag. Make no mistake your relationships are the heaviest components in your life. All those negotiations and arguments and secrets, the compromises. The slower we move the faster we die. Make no mistake, moving is living. Some animals were meant to carry each other to live symbiotically over a lifetime. Star crossed lovers, monogamous swans. We are not swans. We are sharks.

Ryan’s one-night stands give way to a developing relationship with what he perceives to be a female version of himself, Alex (Vera Farmiga). There is an interesting reflection here on sex as sacrament. Some people may think that sex does not connect us as people – but here there is an argument that we can let that wall slip. Sex with Alex is where Ryan’s walls begin to crumble.

Ryan: I thought I was a part of your life.
Alex: I thought we signed up for the same thing… I thought our relationship was perfectly clear. You are an escape. You’re a break from our normal lives. You’re a parenthesis.
Ryan: I’m a parenthesis?

There is a memorable scene where Ryan is looking at the myriad of flight options on an airport screen. It is a metaphor of the commitment-phobe. In our culture in the past we used to tell lots of people we loved them, but only had sex with someone significant. Now our contemporary culture has reversed this totally to having sex with lots of people – and telling someone we love them is regarded as very significant (and saying “I love you” during the climax of sex doesn’t count!) Our culture has shifted, without much reflection, from focusing on the positive of marriage, allowing one to now “have and to hold”, to its negative – the realisation that in marriage one ends up “forsaking all others.” It is little wonder that divorce is so prevalent. With compassion towards those who have genuinely found their commitment impossible to maintain, one wonders at Christians, even clergy, moving through their third or more marriages. Anyway, when it comes to sex, Christianity has a pretty bad track record currently – riddled with scandals, obsessing about sex as a primary issue, and generally giving a negative impression about sex (why is the term “living in sin” associated with sex, and not, say, anger, or video piracy,…). It is understandable Christians cannot be heard about a positive attitude to sex. Maybe Christians need to be silent about sex for a generation. And after that slowly begin talking about sex again, but solely in a positive, encouraging way,… starting with the Song of Solomon. Visually illustrated…

At the start of the film Natalie (Anna Kendrick) looked like a younger version of Ryan. Turns out she is not:

Natalie: Don’t you think it’s worth giving it a chance?
Ryan: A chance to what?
Natalie: A chance to something real.
Ryan: You’re definition of real evolves as you get older.
Natalie: Can you stop being so condescending for one second or is that one of your principles of your bullshit philosophy? The isolation? Is that supposed to be charming?
Ryan: No, it’s simply a life choice.
Natalie: It’s a cocoon of self banishment.

There is a bit of a transformation for Ryan as he allows himself to make some real connections – but…

Relationships are messy. Love in real life isn’t neat, tidy, well-organised, in the way that Ryan’s flying life appears. Love is much more like the story of The Velveteen Rabbit. It wears our fur off. It also makes us real.

How Jewish is your Jesus?

Published on January 28, 2010 in liturgy. 10 Comments Tags: humor, humour, Jesus, movie, orthodox, worship.

Last week a flight from New York to Louisville was diverted to Philadelphia when the flight crew saw a 17-year-old Orthodox Jew wearing a pair of tefillin (phylacteries) while praying. The flight attendant asked for, and received an explanation. Nonetheless, fearing a terrorist attack, police, officials from the FBI, and Transportation Security Administration stormed the plane, at gunpoint ordered everyone to put their hands up, and handcuffed the lad.

Jesus, it seems had tassels on the four corners of his outer robe (Mt. 9:20; 14:36; Mk. 6:56; Lk. 8:44), Jesus most probably wore tefillin (phylacteries) while praying, and almost certainly the Pharisees who disputed with him would have worn them all the time. Is this your image of Jesus? And if not, why not? Do we make Jesus into our own image, forgetting that he would feel pretty much at home in contemporary Jewish or Eastern Orthodox worship, and might feel a bit out of place in the “non-liturgical” worship that maybe most of those on the plane are used to?

It fascinates me, that as I was looking on the web for an image of Jesus wearing tefillin to add to this post: I could not find a single one {other than this one by (the Jewish) Chagall}. I asked my 46,000 followers on twitter. Not one of them could find an image of Jesus wearing tefillin either. Reinforcing the point of my above paragraph.

And if (as Christians) we don’t recognise the tefillin (phylacteries) from our interest in Jesus (and at least our reading of Matthew’s Gospel), what about our knowledge, respect, and understanding of other great World Faiths, not least the Jewish religion? Jews regularly wear tefillin (phylacteries) on planes flying into New York from Israel. New York is well known for its large, significant Jewish population. Surely knowing about Jewish prayer practice is an essential part of well-educated general knowledge?

In this video, Shmuly Tennenhaus demonstrates how one might pray using tefillin on an aeroplane without frightening ignorant passengers and crew. As always, beneath good humour is a serious point. Enjoy.

Kippah/zuchetto/yarmulke tip to Seven whole days

God’s program for creation

Published on November 29, 2009 in liturgy. 5 Comments Tags: Creation, humor, humour, liturgy, twitter, universe.

Vincent Murphy, one of my followers on twitter, and a regular commenter on this site, has on his site uncovered the program for the creation of the universe (you can follow the verses in Genesis 1 indicated eg. // 1:1-5):

[word@god ~]# cat creation.word
#!/bin/word // 1:1-5
begin creation
public earth = new domain();
earth.content = 1/0 * void();
earth.startCreation(’spirit’);
var light = new creation();
try {
earth.addChild(light); }
catch {
throw(E_BAD,’LIGHT FAILURE’); }
earth.light.status = E_GOOD; // all ok
list day(’Day’,'Night’) =
earth.light.filter(dark==false,dark==true);
earth.templates.day = day; // save for future days
earth.today = 1;
earth.days[earth.today++] = byVal earth.templates.day;
//firmament routine // 1:6-8
var f = new creation();
for (var a in earth.waters)
if (a.index>f.index)
{
f.waters.addChild(a);
earth.waters.removeChild(a);
}
private heaven = f;
earth.days[earth.today++] = byVal earth.templates.day;
earth.waters.defragment(); // 1:9-13
var dryland = earth.waters.getFreespace();
var seas = earth.waters.getUtilisation();
try { dryland.generate(E_GRASS,E_HERB,E_FRUIT) }
catch { throw(E_BAD,’LIFE ON EARTH NOT GOOD’); }
dryland.status = E_GOOD;
earth.days[earth.today++] = byVal earth.templates.day;
//lights in heavens, use for signs/seasons/days/years // 1:14-19
var lights = Array();
lights[0] = new light
(size = 10,
attach = earth.templates.day[Day]);
lights[1] = new light
(size = 2,
attach = earth.templates.day[Night]);
foreach (lights as l) heaven.addChild(l);
var stars = Array();
for (var a = 0; a < inf; a++) stars[a] = new star();
foreach (stars as s) heaven.addChild(s);
if (earth.checkStatus()) earth.status = E_OK;
else throw(E_BAD,’LIGHTING ERROR’);
earth.days[earth.today++] = byVal earth.templates.day;
earth.generate(E_WATERCREATURE, E_FOWL); // 1:20-23
earth.setGenerationSpeed(1000);
foreach (earth.creation as x)
if (x.typeOf == E_FOWL) x.setDomain(earth,heaven);
earth.generate(E_WHALES);
foreach (earth.creation as x)
x.limitChild.typeOf=x.typeOf; //after their kind
if (earth.creation.checkStatus()) earth.status = E_OK;
else throw(E_BAD,’CREATION ERROR’);
foreach (earth.creation as x) x.nice–; //more CPU
earth.days[earth.today++] = byVal earth.templates.day;
var livingcreatures = // 1:24-31
Array(E_CATTLE, E_BEAST, E_CREEPING);
earth.generate(livingcreatures);
foreach (earth.creation as x)
x.limitChild.typeOf=x.typeOf; //after their kind
if (earth.creation.checkStatus()) earth.status = E_OK;
else throw(E_BAD,’CREATION ERROR / LIVING THINGS’);
//man project
var man = new creation();
man.style = byVal earth.parentNode.style; //cp God
foreach (earth.creation as x)
if (x.hasLife) x.addController(man.groupId);
man.addVariant(E_FEMALE);
man.addVariant(E_MALE);
man.addFood(livingcreatures,E_GRASS,E_HERB,E_FRUIT);
man.nice–;
earth.creation.addChild(man);
foreach (earth.creation as x)
if (x.hasLife && (x.typeOf == E_BEAST || x.typeOf == E_CREEP ||
x.typeOf = E_FOWL)) x.addFood(E_HERB);
if (earth.getStatus() && heaven.getStatus()) return (E_VERYGOOD);
else throw(E_BAD,’FAILURE ON DAY 6′);
earth.days[earth.today++] = byVal earth.templates.day;
daemonize();
//TODO: rest
//TODO: expose parent API to creation
//TODO: invoke interactive-mode man object (sometime later)
end program
[word@god ~]# date
Mon Jan 01 00:00:00 GMT 0000
[word@god ~]# ./creation.word
Creation started as pid 143. To stop type: kill -9 143
Got status: E_VERYGOOD
Appending output to creation.log
[word@god ~]# _

Health-based faith solutions (TM)

Published on November 26, 2009 in liturgy. 11 Comments Tags: humor, humour.

I genuinely thought that my previous post on the Purity Solutions communion wafer dispenser was a wonderful well-executed spoof. Then a person tweeted me that he had seen these for sale, and finally added his comment on the blog post. I am rendered speechless!

On facebook a person suggested I search “communion host dispenser”. I really shouldn’t have!

CCW500-2 There are Pre-filled Communion Cups with Wafers This is a new product. “Single-serve Sanitary Prefilled Communion Cups and Wafers can help safeguard your congregation from the H1N1 Swine flu virus.”

Our prefilled communion cups and wafers include both the wafer and grape juice in one sanitary, single-serving sanitary container. Available in quantities of 500, 250, and 100 pre-filled communion cups per box. Product maintains a shelf-life of six months and the plastic cups are recyclable.

Every day we get phone calls from churches who have never tried these Communion cups, but who are curious. They always ask “Are they hard to open?” and “Do they spill?” We can say from our own personal experiences that they do not spill and they are quite easy to open. In fact, nearly every church that tries these Pre-filled Communion cups, orders them over and over again….and remember, the plastic cups are recyclable! (Free shipping applies in USA over $US175. What happens if you live in New Zealand? Oh yeah – I hope no one here would think of this…)

At the low-tech end of the spectrum I found some wafer serving tongs – made “religious” by having them 24k gold plate or food-grade stainless steel, plain, or engraved with a cross or with a laser cut out cross. Free shipping but “exceptions may apply”. (Probably New Zealand again!)

Then I ended up reading about a Greenlee Communion Dispensing Machine made of a stainless steel bucket with 40 plastic tubes that run through a sheet of Plexiglas dispensing grape juice into the cups of a communion tray.

It took seven people up to 30 hours over three days to perform the tedious task of filling the communion cups for the congregation at Southeast Christian Church, which has more than 15,000 members.

Not any more. Not since inventor Wilfred Greenlee joined the church and came up with a machine that cuts the preparation time to 1 1/2

Finally, I could read no more after I found a website seriously tabulating a comparison between the Communalabra™ Communion Host Dispensing System and the Purity Communion Host Dispenser I had originally thought was a funny hoax.

[I hardly dare mention the Orthodox practice of mixing the bread and wine in a spoon, and the pope's practice of drinking the wine through a golden straw.]

All this feels a little way away from the powerful symbolism Jesus had with a common cup of wine and a shared broken loaf of bread…

communion and disease?

Published on November 26, 2009 in liturgy. 6 Comments Tags: humor, humour, movie.

Holy-water_1521431f Luciano Marabese has invented an electronic terracotta holy water dispenser. It works like an automatic soap dispenser in public lavatories. A churchgoer waves his or her hand under a sensor and the machine spurts out holy water.

Following the outbreak of the H1N1 virus many churches stopped having holy water in a stoup. They feared it would spread the virus.

The water has been blessed by a priest. People entering and leaving churches normally dip their fingers into the holy water and make the sign of the cross. (source)

A new website called Purity Solutions promotes a product (shown here)
Communion Host Dispenser
“Use the the Purity Communion Host Dispensers during the cold and flu season to prevent the passing of germs or use it all year long to reduce the cost, time and personnel needed to provide communion by as much as 50 percent.” For those interested in church growth – that site believes this will increase church attendance.

This is a wonderful video explaining the product:

I suspect … I hope that this is a well-produced hoax and parody. The website is here for those who wish to pursue this. I am of the opinion that high-alcohol-content (regularly fortified) consecrated wine from a silver or gold chalice wiped appropriately is very “safe”. Clergy generally consume all of the remaining consecrated wine – and there is no evidence that they are succumbing to illness more than others. Some think that God specially protects those receiving these holy gifts – if that thought lessens a natural fear you have of shared communion, cool. Purity Solutions focuses on what I think has been the sleight-of-hand issue: it is the bread that might just be more likely to spread germs. A good lavabo tradition helps here of course. And for those who cannot afford the Purity Solutions products, here is the alternative I stole from my e-friend, Rev Scott Gunn:

flying-disk-gun-hq9645-300x300

I blogged about this earlier

Anybody who follows up this with Purity Solutions and does end up purchasing – please add that in a comment below.
And I think I would deserve at least 10% commission to go to my favourite charity

Update: I genuinely thought this product was a well-produced hoax. I realise now it is a genuine product that people purchase and use. Rather than rewriting this post, I have written a follow-up.

Mass: We pray the video game

Published on November 22, 2009 in liturgy. 4 Comments Tags: humor, humour, Mass, movie.

This is actually a well-done viral advertisement for the EA Dante’s Inferno game.
The video is a bit of a laugh for Christians with a sense of humour (sorry: humor).

Let’s be clear now

Published on November 20, 2009 in liturgy. 7 Comments Tags: humor, humour, movie.

When you read some theologians, or hear some preachers – how many of us have the following type of experience:

Silent Matrix

Published on November 15, 2009 in liturgy and spirituality. 2 Comments Tags: films, humor, humour, movie, twitter.

I am an avid fan of the Matrix and the way that it tells the story of Christ (amongst other stories). My followers on twitter will be aware of my passion even from my profile image.

Here is a video from the Russian actor’s group “Big Difference” (Bolshaya Raznitsa / Большая Разница): What if Matrix was shot in the silent films’ era? Enjoy!

If you have never seen the Matrix, here is a 5 second summary which should help you understand the previous video:

UPDATE Since I put up the above two videos, I have been shown the following also: “Matrix Runs on Windows XP”

Idiots guide to end times

Published on November 15, 2009 in liturgy. 2 Comments Tags: humor, humour.

I was in a bookshop yesterday and noticed you can buy “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to the Last Days” – it hardly needs any commentary by me:

You can also get

The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Understanding Intelligent Design

The Complete Idiot’s Guide to 2012

You can even get

The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Evangelical Christianity

I’d better stop while I’m still ahead. Maybe I aren’t even ahead any more

Oh look there’s The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Christianity

Why isn’t there a Complete Idiot’s Guide to Atheism?

OK… I’m really stopping now… really…

[ps. perceptive readers will realise the connection of this blog-post and its title with this Sunday's readings ]

Vatican allows Anglican dress-up

Published on November 10, 2009 in liturgy. 11 Comments Tags: anglicans, catholic, humor, humour, ordination, vatican.

How to really annoy Anglican clergy

You can offer whiskey instead of Gin – some Anglican clergy find that slightly irksome. You can deny the validity of Anglican sacraments – Anglican clergy without a sense of humour can find that irritating. But if you really want to annoy Anglican clergy … get their titles wrong! Anglican clergy basically all earn the same – so titles are what distinguishes the men from the boys – or whatever the inclusive version of that is.

Right Revenerends, Most Reverends, Very Reverends, Canons, Venerables, Doctors, Archdeacons, Deacons, Rural Deans, Deans, Non-stipendiary acting priest assistants, Locally Licensed Ordained Non-stipendiary Assistant Ministers, Vicars, Vicar-General, Deputy Vicar General, Priests in Charge, Presiding Bishops, Senior Bishops, Archbishops, Deacon Assistants, Ministry Educators, Chaplains, … the list goes on …

Each with their title, abbreviation, appropriate address, order of titles … dress and insignia.

Anglican clergy may not know their Greek Aorist from their Dative, but years of training make certain that one doesn’t confuse The Ven. Canon Dr. with The Very Rev. Mr. Or get the order of those titles wrong! The minute a priest is collated (and never confuse ordination, induction, collation, installation, licensing,…!!), out go all the old letterheads and visiting cards to be replaced by flashier ones with new titles and the latest popular font.

“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.” Mark Twain

And don’t you dare put on the wrong clothing! Priests may wear clergy shirts coloured pink or blue or polka-dot, but dare to put on one with even a purplish tinge and you won’t make it through the day without a comment. And dare to wear a pectoral cross – even out of devotion! Or a large bejeweld ring. Recently I saw an official photo of an NZ bishop with no less than three pectoral crosses on

At the recent ordination everyone had their appropriate attire to signal not only their status but where they fit in churchmanship (or whatever the inclusive version of that is). Light blue cassocks and matching preaching scarves for canons, copes for archdeacons or above, biretta or cassock and surplice for churchmanship, mitre and cope, mitre and chasuble, biretta with chasuble, no mitre with rochet and chimere,… Not a cope above one’s station. Not a blue scarf out of place.

The Apostolic Constitution Anglicanorum Coetibus

In a stroke of genius one line in the Complementary Norms of the newly published Apostolic Constitution Anglicanorum Coetibus demonstrates that one of Benedict’s advisers (or possibly even Benedict himself!) knows the Anglican ethos only too well. You can almost hear echoes of the evening chuckling over the Barenjager or Jagermeister. The Anglican bishops are not recognised as being bishops, they are not even recognised as having been members of a church. Essentially they have been playing dress-up. Often excessively. But

A former Anglican Bishop who belongs to the Ordinariate and who has not been ordained as a bishop in the Catholic Church, may request permission from the Holy See to use the insignia of the episcopal office. (Article 11:4)

Those who have been previously ordained in the Catholic Church and subsequently have become Anglicans [anyone spring to mind?], may not exercise sacred ministry in the Ordinariate. Anglican clergy who are in irregular marriage situations [anyone spring to mind?] may not be accepted for Holy Orders in the Ordinariate. (Article 6:2)

Such a man can’t function as a priest (which means he can’t be an Ordinary), he may not even be able to receive communion, but… most significantly for Anglicans – Rome in its regulations allows for the possibility that if he previously functioned as a bishop he can continue to wear a purple cassock, a pectoral cross, and a bejewelled ring.

*****

I am kidding.
There was no one wearing a biretta with a chasuble at the ordination.
But there could have been

Comments from people without a sense of humour (sorry, I mean: humor) – thankfully Wordpress has a powerful filter. These comments are immediately automatically deleted and their email addresses are sent to the Inquisition (sorry, I mean the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith). Because of the Recession – soft pillows will no longer be supplied.

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